So I Got An Email From a John This Week…

by Michelle Brock on July 7th, 2011

thought cloudI get quite a bit of interesting feedback from this blog, and one group of individuals is particularly eager to send in their thoughts: Johns.  For those of you who are unfamilar with the term, Johns are men who use prostituted women.  As such, they are the ones who fuel the demand for paid sex and make trafficking profitable for pimps and traffickers.

I’ll have you know that I usually delete these comments when I get them, because they are disturbing, disgusting, and not worth my time.  But I thought I would share one comment I received recently, to show you how these guys think.  If we are to help the exploited, we must have at least a basic understanding of what motivates the men who exploit them.  Here is what one man writes:

I don’t care if you women get mad at me or not. If an attractive (to me) woman were available to me with the most ideal physical looks and personality that I would marry, then I would marry and not cheat and not use a prostitute. In reality, most women are not that attractive, especially the average woman whatever that is or means.

In reality, most women have a relatively low libido. Men end-up sexually frustrated. Congressman John Edwards cheated. Former governor and actor, Arnold Schwarzenegger cheated. Former IMF chief, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, cheated. In the past, men have cheated, men ARE cheating, and men WILL CONTINUE to cheat until the female population has been bred and culled into the most ideal such that cheating and prostitution are eliminated. The key word here is ‘until’ and both sexes/genders can make it happen sooner or a lot later by cooperating or otherwise.

As you know, we’re currently in Great Recession that (as the media had stated) had ended in 2009. I don’t see a glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel, so the next phase is logically a Great Depression or, to distinguish from the last depression, a Great-ER Depression and, with that, women will (as before) have no alternative and no exit strategy.

If I had (at home) a clean drug/disease-free, tattoo-free, addiction/vice-free June Cleaver with perky/firm natural C cups, some curves, beautiful without makeup, with an intelligent/logical brain with which to converse with as a husband and wife should do you really think I’m going to look out on the street for a Jane Doe to hump for money?  There is demand for prostitution for a reason: not enough supply.

Surprised? This is exactly the kind of thinking that traffickers and pimps use to their advantage. Makes my blood boil.

  • This guy talks about women as if they are commodities for men to use as they wish.  This implies women have no opinions, preferences, or wishes themselves, but solely exist for man’s pleasure and fantasy.
  • He picks and chooses his ideal traits from women as a whole and expects one woman to have them all if he is to be faithful to her.  Notice how he never mentions what qualities men should have to deserve a woman’s affection.
  • “Men will continue to cheat until women have been bred and culled into the ideal form???”  Sounds like Hitler.  It scares me that this way of thinking is still around.
  • Just because the economy always leaves vulnerable people in its wake does not give him an excuse to take advantage of them.
  • To answer his last question, yes, he would still look for prostituted women even if he had the ideal girl at home because she would never be enough.  When you become this selfish, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
  • FYI: there is demand for prostitution because guys like this don’t care who they hurt as long as they get what they want, not because of “lack of supply.”

respect women 1And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the kind of guy that is using and abusing victims of sex trafficking. It sickens me, saddens me, and enrages me. How can we, as a society, change the way guys like this think?  Do you think it’s too late?  Where do you think this man learned to view women this way?  Do you think he would care if he found out the girl he was with was a victim of sex trafficking?  How does such a worldview impact communities?

Would love to hear your thoughts and your reaction to this letter.  Anyone else disturbed? What can we do about it?

Michelle Brock

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rmb Jul 7, 2011 - 05:07:48

To be honest that is one of the most disturbing emails I’ve ever read. Mostly because he really doesn’t see anything wrong with what he says.

Jay Brock Jul 7, 2011 - 02:07:31

It’s crazy how many guys think so little of women. I worked with a guy who took his son to Cuba every Christmas for a week of sex with “women who just love us so much because we help their families.” What a hero. We’re totally oblivious to anyone but ourselves. Great post, Michelle.

Christy Jul 7, 2011 - 02:07:41

Wow…..frightening, disgusting, pathetic, inexcusable, ridiculous, sad. That is all sorts of messed up. I guess because The Swart’s cheated, that makes it okay. I would be so interested to know how this man grew up, how he was abused and neglected, to get a feel for the bigger picture….thanks for sharing this Michelle!

Natalie Jul 7, 2011 - 02:07:34

Yikes!!! Disturbing indeed! It makes my blood boil too. I recently heard a Christian man say to his fiance that he didn’t like her shoes becasue they looked “comfortable”. Where does this unrealistic expectation come from that women have to look good all the time? Are we not allowed to be comfortable in what we wear or are we just supposed to look good for show and tell? Men need to be taught how to think differently. I don’t know how but it needs to happen. It likely starts at young age so we need to train up our little guys to treat women with love and respect. Thanks for posting Michelle!

Michelle Brock Jul 7, 2011 - 02:07:02

A friend of mine recently said that he was not surprised at all, because he knows people who think like this. That is the scary part. It is an underlying belief for so many guys…no wonder traffickers make a killing when they get into the trade.

Callie Cochrane Jul 7, 2011 - 03:07:41

I am thoroughly disgusted, this email absolutely made my blood boil. Clearly, women are simply an object for to him exploit. I can’t believe he refers to the women he uses as “Jane Doe” and that it is completely not his fault he purchases sex. To him, it is nature and it’s because he can’t find anything better. I’ve never been so angry about something I’ve read on prostitution in my life.

What can we do about men like this? That is a hard question, since reading this made me so incredibly angry. They are simply men disillusioned and mislead by their failed expectations of women, perception of the nature of men and personal experiences. These men are broken and a complete change of heart is needed. We must continually speak the truth and pray for them.

Lisa Jul 8, 2011 - 06:07:23

It’s hard to imagine how anyone could possibly justify this kind of thinking. If we want to change how men think, we need men themselves to be involved in this fight. Men need to step up and say there is something wrong with this – especially fathers – and need to role model positive behaviours. Women should also not accept this type of thinking and behaviour from men. But I think men have a particularly important role to play, especially given the vulnerable position of many women in our society. Our hyper-sexualized media is a major factor in shaping this type of warped morality. Even some PG-13 movies depict women as sex objects and portray one night stands and pornography as “normal behaviour”. But the media isn’t going to change overnight, and it won’t change until more people (men & women) stop buying, viewing and promoting these movies/shows/songs etc. Sorry for my rant, but this email is infuriating!

Sharon Hann Jul 8, 2011 - 08:07:50

Thanks for posting this. I recently started reading Victor Malarek’s lastest book (“The Johns: Sex For Sale and the Men who Buy it) – and I was getting so angry, I actually had to put it down for a while. These guys were saying things like, “I’m too ugly to attract gorgeous women. But I have money, so I can just buy them” and “when I add up all the money I’ve spent taking women out on expensive dates, I realize it would have been cheaper to have just gone to a pro in the first place.” Many of them say they’re content to keep fulfilling their sexual needs like this, rather than risking their money on a marriage.

Part of the problem is that these men have been “bred” to look for a bargain: what is the cheapest, quickest, best quality thing I can find to fulfill my needs. Another part of the problem is that women have been bred in exactly the same way – and we’ve managed to hurt men as a result as well. Between the lines of those interviews, there are some really broken men. Many of them allude to pre-John days, when they laid their hearts out on the table and women stepped all over them.

So it seems that the root of the problem here is selfishness. How to get out of that downward spiral? I have no idea. We need to teach men to appreciate women for who they really are, and we need to teach women to do the same thing for men. But there are so many voices of teaching out there, change really needs to come from all angles: parenting, media, school, friends, the internet… :)

I actually feel sorry for this guy. What is he going to do when this looming “greater depression” hits him as much as hot young chicks? He will be lonely and sad, and maybe then start to realize that what he really needs are people in his life who care about him even when he’s poor.

Cammy Jul 8, 2011 - 10:07:30

As this is ‘Hope for the Sold’, I just wanted to share a story of a guy who had a change of heart. Here is a post from his blog (http://ricksturningpoint.blogspot.com/):

Sometimes it takes 20 years to hear a woman say No.

For 20 years I’ve carried the sweet memory of a college romance. The details aren’t that important and are basically universal – back seat of a car, dorm room, dance floor, it’s a story that many of us have lived too many times. But a story that until today I’ve believed was a good one.

Today I find her on Facebook and send a friend request. But instead of the expected “Great to hear from you!” reply, I’m slapped in the face with a calm, confident, “I don’t have good memories of our time together” refusal.

This is not the starry-eyed girl in a long grey “Property of…” t-shirt of my memory. This is a strong, confident woman who has done her work and found her voice. A voice she evidently wished she’d had during our late nights together. A voice that would have told me to Stop in a way I would have heard and respected.

Because I didn’t know when to stop. At the end of our fun, even magical dates, I’d betray that connection with hungry, unlistening hands. She would consistently tell me to stop, consistently move my hands away, and I’d consistently try again.

I told myself it was OK because I never used force. I told myself it was OK because she kept allowing me to try again – this must be a game she enjoys if she invites me back night after night. And I told myself it was OK because twice she did say Yes. Neither time was nearly as magical as what we shared during the dates, but the fact that she eagerly and freely reciprocated two times was enough to justify the persistence and believe that she did “want it.” Enough to let me believe for 20 years that it was a healthy, fun adventure for both of us.

But today she holds up a mirror that makes me see –finally – that I should have stopped. That I should have listened. That what was a game and a challenge for young me was an act of violence for young her. I violated a young woman’s trust and need, never even questioning if it might be hurting her. I can’t truly be part of breaking the cycle of violence until fully accepting, as I must today, that I have been part of it.

This facebook refusal is a cold shock, but I instantly know it’s deserved. I see for the first time that I hurt her, and that my sharp insistence for her body destroyed what should have been a sweet sharing of our young souls. Violence, I am forced to see, is as simple as not listening, and as powerful as not stopping at – or even before – the first No.

Carly Jul 8, 2011 - 04:07:00

Hi Michelle. Thank you for posting this. This reminds me of Victor Malarek’s book “The Johns”. It really opened my eyes to the psychology behind how a man could do that. Because we are not talking about a bizarre minority. If it’s the third most profitable industry in the world, the majority of men are doing it. I needed to know how an everyday person can do that. What I found was interesting. The fact that he took the time to write you is more telling than anything. He’s clearly feeling threatened and has the need to justify (probably more to himself than you) how he’s capable of of committing such abuse. He sounds like he’s feeling a little guilty and needs to justify it to himself. Like the majority of Johns, the justification comes from vilifying women as a whole. Usually they get to this point by refusing to mature. What I mean by this is that they have an idea of the perfect woman in their head and refuse to let go of this image. They think they are entitled to their fantasy and refuse to look at themselves in the mirror. This guy believes that the perfect woman doesn’t exist, but he never once asked himself why he couldn’t get such a woman. Maybe the type of woman he’s looking for has too much self-respect to spend time with someone who views women like that. Instead of maturing and accepting his own inadequacies, he’s learned to blame others. This is the pervasive mentality that exists and allows men to justify their actions.

I suppose these men are learning from somewhere that they are perfect and faultless to be able to keep up such a delusion. 

I blame the mothers ;)

Anyway, thanks for letting me share.

Barbara Teitelzweig Jul 8, 2011 - 04:07:16

At first I was disgusted by the comments of this “John”. This was quickly followed by anger. It reminded me somehow of a Nova program I watched recently on primates. The overall question was, what makes us human? After reading the john’s co…mments I realize that the qualities that we choose to define humanity are totally lacking in all too many so-called humans. I have often wondered if some of us are a different species. After reading that, I certainly hope so.

Michelle Brock Jul 9, 2011 - 07:07:24

Lisa, I agree with you that the media really twists people’s image of how we should view women. MTV has an anti-trafficking initiative called MTV Exit, but it is ironic to me because they play so much other smut that is loaded with messages that totally degrade women. It is all guised as creative rights, but I think we can be creative without degrading others.

Sharon, excellent point about men being bred to look for a bargain..and women are too. I think you hit the nail on the had when you said that it comes down to selfishness. I always try to ask how I am part of the problem and often I am just being plain selfish.

Cammy, thank you for posting that story…really encouraging…we need more men telling stories like this. Carly, I agree that there is probably alot of insecurity with guys…they would rather pay for sex than do the hard work of becoming a man of honour and character. What they don’t realize is that you can’t pay for the kind of sex that is full of love and truly intimate. You just pay for the physical component, which ends up leaving people empty.

Good discussion everyone. Curious to see what you men out there think…I hope this does not come across as male bashing!! Would love to have you join in!

Kathleen Jul 9, 2011 - 08:07:32

I read this post a few days ago and it left me feeling unsettled, but not because of what he said. I realized today why….

This doesn’t make me angry. There was something in me that felt like maybe it’s easy to get caught up in anger at the men doing this and not look at the root of the problem. What this man said was heartbreaking to me – is our world really so broken that not only women being used and abused, but the men doing it are so broken themselves that they cannot even see that it is wrong? This man breaks my heart, because he is justifying his behaviour instead of realizing that there is such a better way. How can going to a prostitute be ANYTHING compared to having the same woman to come home to every day and share life with and love and be loved by?!

All of us are born into this world under The Great Lie that we are not enough, others are not enough, no matter how hard we work we’ll never be enough, if she doesn’t meet my needs I’ll just move on, if he screws up, screw him, etc. And it’s true. But so many people stay stuck in the lie and do not choose to accept The Truth.

It’s not media’s fault, it’s not videogames, it’s our Enemy and he is using those things to spread the Lie. And the fix is not simply men and women stepping up, because nothing we do of ourselves will ever be enough. It’s Jesus, and the men and women that fight with Him. It takes courage to stand up with Jesus, but it’s the only way.

Maybe I shouldn’t say that this doesn’t make me mad. It guess it does, but not at the man who wrote it. Him, my heart breaks for and I hope that he and all the men like him, discover the Truth about who they are and who they were created to be. It makes me angry at the one who is running around perverting love, enslaving people in sin, pornography, and sexual addictions, and putting a dollar amount on the bodies of women whose worth is so much deeper and greater than any amount of money.

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” (Ephesians 6:12)

Michelle Brock Jul 9, 2011 - 03:07:20

My heart aches like yours Kathleen. It is so sad that there is so much brokenness in our world.

John Jul 11, 2011 - 04:07:51

As a man, I am not so much upset by what this singular man has said, but more so the fact that masculinity has lost so much of its meaning that many seem to think it signifies the very opposite of what it was originally intended to represent. Men are meant to be protectors of and providers for women, but so often it is men that cause the most problems for them. I believe the ultimate root of this is Sin, but I will save that discussion for another time… Masculinity in our society is measured by how big your truck is, how good you are at sports, how much you like the movies 300 and Gladiator, how many women you have had sex with, how many women you have left broken and hurting in the wake of your pursuit of false masculinity.

It breaks my heart to see such a corruption and perversion of the original intent of masculinity. Although I believe testosterone and hunting and football and violence and building thing and driving big trucks are a part of masculinity, they do not, and cannot, define it. They are merely pale reflections of our true purpose, expressions of our dangerous, but good, nature. We are given this strength and these desires to take risks when others won’t, to fight for what must be achieved at all costs, to protect those whom we could so easily hurt. True masculinity does not come from our strength, but rather how we use it.

I for one have made the decision to use my strength for good, as I feel I have been called by God. There are good men out there, and my heart is to raise them up, awaken them from the stupor they have been lulled into by our society that holds men to such a low standard. A low standard that has been set by the complete degradation of what sex means in our culture, facilitated by pornography, Hollywood, and so much more. Yes Michelle, change is possible, but it will take true men rising up and challenging the established culture for us to see its fruits. It is not enough to simply wish for change, and it is not enough for women to fight alone against this menace. I’m sorry ladies, but women can’t fix this alone. True Masculinity can only be passed down by a True Man, or a True God, not by a woman. Our society is filled with weak boys, and only a Real Man can usher them into masculinity, only a Man can change the way they think. This is our battle to fight, but the support you can give along the way will make it that much easier and mean the world to the men in your life. Challenge the men to rise up and fight this evil in our world, challenge us to do what is right. I think you might be surprised what God, along with both True Men and True Women, is going to accomplish in our lifetimes.

Thank you so much for all you do Michelle, as a Man, I cannot express how much I appreciate the work you and others like you do. Now it is time for Men to take their rightful place leading this charge, the place we were created to take.

Michelle Brock Jul 11, 2011 - 06:07:21

John, it is very refreshing to hear a guy take the lead on this. It is easy for women to see the injustice of it, but quite another for guys to do so. I agree that women cannot change this alone. It must be men inspiring other men, fathers teaching their sons. I am truly grateful that this is the kind of example you are setting.

Cam Jul 18, 2011 - 01:07:21

I totally agree with John.

I also think that there is something which may apply to some men who buy sex. Some men believe that sex is the ultimate thing, the thing that makes us most happy and fulfilled. And while sex is good and healthy in the context of a committed relationship (marriage), it does not in itself provide men with what they need, and does not fulfill them.
All men, and women, have needs. They have a need for relationship, for friendship, for purpose, love and community. And, indeed, all healthy men have a strong sex drive. But meaningless sex with a prostituted woman is a false way of meeting these needs. It is a temporary, false cure for loneliness. And since it is only temporary and fake and leaves the man unsatisfied, he is left craving more of it (hence the demand for human trafficking). He has sex with different women and abuses them more and more in hopes that this will satisfy him, but it doesn’t. It is an addiction, and like all addictions, it hinders the man from maturing and thinking selflessly. The woman, to him, is no longer a person, but just a means to his happiness. And the trafficking industry encourages these men to stay there, to endlessly pursue their personal satisfaction.

That’s my take on it. I think that these men need prayer. I sincerely believe that God redeems, and that He can heal these men. We are not just fighting the men who buy sex. We are fighting spiritual darkness which intends to imprison the trafficked woman and the john alike, though in different ways.

Wendy Dec 7, 2011 - 01:12:03

Hello Michelle: I read your article in praise of Kevin Makins, and I am impressed. Bravo to both you to report it, and to Kevin for his strong stance. I wanted to contribute a thought dr. Charles Stanley left me with from one of his sermons. The difference between lust and love. Lust is a form of greed to satisfy one’s own needs, and Love is to satisfy the needs of another. What is truly pitiful is the soul condition of the “johns”.

Michelle Brock Dec 7, 2011 - 10:12:08

Thanks so much Wendy, so glad that you got to read the post! And what a powerful quote by Charles Stanley – really touches the root of the issue. As a society, we should be pushing for more LOVE, not selfish greed, entitlement, and fake intimacy.

globetrotter Mar 27, 2012 - 09:03:28

This guy obviously did not get enough love from his mother as a child. Nor from anyone else growing up probably. What a sad, sad, individual because he seems somewhat educated. You need to seek counseling ‘John’ and seek the source of your problem. 25/m Peace, love, hope, but the best of all these is love!

Jack Apr 5, 2012 - 04:04:51

The really disturbing thing to me, is that I know so many guys my age that have this exact same line of thinking. Guy’s in their late teens/early twenties who have such gross, unrealistic expectations of women and what it means to be men. As a sexual slavery survivor, and being male, I have a unique view on these subjects. I constantly have other guys tell me they want to go to Amsterdam to visit prostituted women, and they tell me all their misogynistic thoughts about women and it just makes me sick. My roommate once told me he hates womens’ minds’, but loves their bodies’. I had to literally leave the room before I broke his nose.

We definitely need to start teaching young boys about treating women with respect and dignity. To see beauty in everyone and not what society and the media deems to be beautiful. We especially need to teach boys about sex, not only sex, but healthy sex. We need to show them that pornography is not representable of healthy sex, but is a cheap, surface point-of-view of sex.

Theresa Aug 5, 2012 - 07:08:59

Guys like this are a dime a dozen and a lot of them work alongside women and are afraid to say boo to them. They are afraid of women and can’t be intimate with “average women” as he says so they have to degrade and exercise power over someone else. They are emotionally handicapped. Unfortunately this guy sounds a lot like an ex-boyfriend of mine and I can tell you that he was abused as a child and was addicted to porn since the age of 12. I don’t know if there is any hope for guys like this but I can tell you that I am raising my son to respect others regardless of their gender, race, etc. There is hope for the next generation if we educate them and role-model what healthy relationships should look like, whether they’re romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships, relationships with co-workers…with other people in general.

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    So I Got An Email From a John This Week…